thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
