I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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