Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why do cheetos always look like penises
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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