I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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