Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize