He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
