I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
