shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
