"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
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So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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