Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
