If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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