I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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