The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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