I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
