He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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