haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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