Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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