He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
