just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
