I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
