last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He shit in the fireplace
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
