dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left