I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...