Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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