We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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