wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
