I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
