good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
