I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
