Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
