Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
