Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
