YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
