I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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