WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
