I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
