i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
