it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
