I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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