if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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