i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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