Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
