This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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