Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I deserve this hangover.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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