I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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