Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
