farters have to be the big spoon...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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