well I can't set my house on fire every night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize