Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.