Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
