So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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