I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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