just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
