Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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