Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
