Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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