He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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