I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
