he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
