you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
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I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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