Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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