What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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