my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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