making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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