Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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