Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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