So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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