He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
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My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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